Why the greatest leaders never stop being students of their own home.
Note from Pastor Nick: While I spend my days focusing on building leaders here at VOBC, my greatest classroom has always been my 36-year marriage to Marisol. I originally shared this lesson with my Thrive Now Community, but I felt it was a vital word for our students and leaders here as well. You can find the original post and more resources for a “Designed for Delight” marriage right here.*
Ministry is exciting and very fulfilling, but if you don’t find joy in returning home to your spouse, you’re missing the point. You cannot lead others well if your own home is in “survival mode.”
Here is an experiment designed to help you see your spouse (or your future spouse) with “New Eyes.”
Valentine’s Day is usually the time we look backward. We scroll through old photos, we talk about “the early days,” and we celebrate the history we’ve built. But here is the challenge: You aren’t married to the person in those photos anymore. And neither am I.
Why your marriage needs a student, not an expert.
After 36 years of marriage with Marisol, I’ve realized that if I only love the woman I met in the 80s, I’m missing out on the incredible woman standing in front of me in 2026. The fact is, we change. I know I’ve changed. Our dreams shift, our fears evolve, and our “Delight” looks different than it used to.
The “Expert” Trap
The greatest enemy of “First Love” isn’t conflict—it’s assumption. Some couples brag about how well they know their spouse. They even claim to know exactly what the other will say, how they’ll react, and what they want for dinner. What happens is that we stop being “students” of our spouse and start becoming “experts.”
The Expert Spouse:
- Operates on “I already know what you’re going to say,” which leads to finishing sentences and tuning out.
- Only looks for predictable patterns. If it doesn’t fit their established “manual” of their spouse, they ignore it.
- Treats the relationship like a closed book. They’ve read it, they know the ending, and they’ve stopped looking for plot twists.
- Listens to find the “error” in their spouse’s logic or to win an argument. They use their “expertise” to judge.
- Becomes a “museum keeper” of the marriage—preserving the past but offering nothing fresh for the present.
The Student Spouse:
- Operates on “Tell me more.” They listen for the tone in their spouse’s voice, knowing that even after 36 years, there are still new layers to discover.
- Is fascinated by the changes. They realize that life’s seasons shift, especially through health challenges or career moves, and the person in front of them is being reshaped.
- Treats the relationship like a living journal. They know that every morning provides a blank page to write a new “First Love” moment.
- Listens to find the “heart.” They aren’t looking to be right; they are looking to be close.
- Is an “active participant” in the marriage, growing alongside their spouse and allowing the relationship to refine them.
- Looks for opportunities to serve. They use what they’ve learned to find practical, fresh ways to bless their spouse.
I’m reminded of a young son who asked his dad, “Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?” The Dad replied: “That happens in most countries, son.”
An expert stops asking questions, but a student never does. In marriage, the “subject” is your spouse, and that is a Master’s degree that takes a lifetime to complete. The moment a student thinks they’ve mastered the subject, their growth plateaus. In marriage, that “plateau” is where many couples lose their spark.
This Week’s Challenge: The “New Eyes” Experiment
This Valentine’s Week, I want to challenge you to put down the “expert” hat and become a student again.
The Mission: Ask one “First Date” question this week that you haven’t asked in at least a decade. The goal isn’t to gather data; it’s to spark delight. We are designed to be known, and there is a specific kind of joy that comes when your favorite person shows genuine curiosity about who you are today.
Not sure where to start? Try one of these:
“If you could learn a new skill from any artist or creator for one week, just for fun, who would it be?”
- “What is a dream you’ve tucked away lately because life just got too busy?”
- “If chores and money weren’t an issue this Saturday, what would your dream day look like right now?”
Keeping it Real
“In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies… just as Christ does the church.” — Ephesians 5:28
Ministry leadership starts with a humble heart. If we aren’t humble enough to remain a student of the person God gave us to love most, we will eventually lack the humility to lead the people God has called us to serve.
This isn’t just a leadership theory for me; it’s my daily reality. This kind of love requires us to pay attention. As you’re reading this, I’m doing this right alongside you. As I navigate new seasons with Marisol—living out our “in sickness and in health” vows in real time—I’m finding that “New Eyes” aren’t just a romantic luxury, they are a necessity. I am learning to fall in love with the Marisol of today, finding new ways to serve her and delight in her that I never noticed twenty years ago.
Tip: When your spouse responds to your question, don’t follow up with “I already knew that.” Just listen. Let yourself be surprised.
Do me a favor and share with me your most surprising answer.
Scroll down to the comments section below and share the one thing you learned about your spouse this week!
Let’s stop marrying the “idea” of our spouse and start loving the person.
Enjoy!
Pastor Nick Gonzalez, M.Div.
P.S.
Looking to dive deeper into your “student” journey? In Chapter 3 of my book, Relationship Rescue, I break down how to move past stagnant assumptions and back into true connection. Click here to grab your copy.
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Wow thank you for sharing these good insights P. Nick. I am going on my 5th year single not looking for anything ATM but definitely I will put this on my Shepards bag, I’m a bible study leader and have a couple of married ladies that will use this to share to them and also for myself for when that time comes. Will definitely get the book.
great to see this post i really think the church should do more for singles also, its such a taboo.. i’m single for almost 10 years, but i see it mainly as my own fault because im christian now for 15 years so you can do the math what went wrong.. just went trough the home for the 3rd time, being single was often a reason for my depression and backsliding.. but ofcourse there was a much deeper root for the general feeling of misery i had, but now i can testify last year in the home of Rotterdam God finally healed me from a hidden trauma! im no longer feeling sad about being single. but sometimes i think maybe finding someone would be better lol
thank your for this article, keep up the good work
Thank you for sharing this P. Nick, I love the change of perspective.
Students and not experts; I can see how this will bring forth curiosity in my marriage and looking to discover and learn more about my wife.
That is exactly the goal Jorge. Shifting from ‘expert’ to ‘student’ keeps the heart curious and ensures we never stop discovering the treasure in our spouse. It really does work.